Explaining The Great Western Civilization to Asians

In the church of San Rafaele – Venetians are unique among Catholics in building churches dedicated to Old Testament figures and Angels – there is a beautifully painted organ parapet. It is by Guardi and represents the story of Toby.

Actually the cycle looks better from the ground than up close, which may be interpreted in two ways: either Guardi was in fact a lousy painter or else he knew what Michelangelo had to learn the hard way while painting the Sistine Chapel ceiling: things to be viewed from far away can be pretty sketchy since the visual cortex of the viewer fills in the missing but barely suggested details. In any case, the figures are graceful and the lighting dreamily beautiful. If Guardi was lousy at anything, it was in rendering human faces, but in this instance, these are too small to see from the church floor.

I was obliged to explain the story of Toby – told in the painting – to some Asian friends lately. I feel sheepish whenever I have to explain anything biblical since all the stories are so patently god-damned-awful. Forget for a moment that it is a biblical story and try to hear it with an objective ear: a Jewish man in Assyria sends his son to wed a Jewish woman in Ecbatana (Assyrian women are no good). The boy travels in the company of a beautiful man. While crossing Tigris he is nearly eaten by a giant fish. With the help of his companion he manages to kill it and acting on his advice he keeps its internal organs. The boy then arrives in Ecbatana and marries the girl, but, it turns out, the girl is cursed and he who deflowers her shall die instant death. The stranger suggests the couple spend first half of the night praying while they burn some fish innards on a brazier, which they do; and which allows the boy to deflower the girl without harm. The couple then go back to Assyria where the boy uses the fish bile to heal his father’s blindness. When all turn to the stranger to thank him, he says “do not thank me, but the almighty god” and reveals that he is Archangel Raphael.

Now, tell me, what kind of a dumb story is that?

Though, of course, it is not nearly as revolting as the story of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son Isaac to god.

Which was, we are told, a good thing.

Yuck.

Now, you figure how to present this story in palatable light to anyone not potty-trained to have a positive reaction to anything deemed "biblical". I can't.